When one is considering an epic* road trip there are a number of things you ought to contemplate. I do not mean logical things like weather, miles per day, nor even the consideration of how many tourist attractions you can actually afford to stop into…
I mean the really important things, for example:
Cruise control; generally considered an accessory, this invention really ought to be considered a necessity by any member of the public who does not wish to end up with a speeding ticket and a particularly high “pay-on-the-spot” speeding charge on their credit card in speed-troll states.
Another thing to think on is the importance of the Atlas.
While driving, using Google Maps in the deep plains, or just North in general, or really anywhere outside of a heavily populated area will certainly result in AT LEAST one trip into the local livestock fields.
Now personally I have found that cows are especially sympathetic about one’s lack of navigational skills. They mosey, non-judgementaly up to your car, putty their noses directly onto the windows and flap their ears at the sound of Sirri “recalculating” embarrassedly over and over again.
At times like this it is a good idea to dig deep under the passenger seat to pull out that archaic paper atlas upon which all major highways and interstates are marked. (Yes children, that is what an atlas shows!) Although you may not be able to find the cow-path you are currently idling on, odds are better you will be able to find yourself back to civilization without Sirri’s help…
There are many other things you will want to keep in mind of course:
In the North particularly there are two seasons, winter and roadwork. Therefore please be sure to stay aware of your surroundings at all times. You never know when you will happen across a stop-light in the middle of no-where. Or a dead-end in the center of a square mile.
Finally, it is always best to be prepare yourself for the culture shock of travel while sitting in the comfort of one’s own rental. If you are from a big city traveling North, I recommend listening in on a few hours of Bible-Study radio, you will probably learn something interesting through sheer osmosis. Or perhaps you should just take a brief stop-off at one of many Shock-Wave Warehouses just off the interstate…. Say hi to all the nice truckers if you do!
Culture adjustment can best be related to the necessity of hydration. One cannot waltz into the land of Adult Juice Packs, pronounced “O”‘s and year round lefsa without some sort of preparation. Acclimation requires constant attention: So for the first 150 miles please imagine that all of the rolled up bales in the fields are edible, megalithic frosted-wheats. Next I want you to really come to terms with the fact that Paul Bunyan is responsible for every single lake and pond in Minnesota and Wisconsin. He made them tramping around, attempting to rein in Babe, his Blue Ox…
*A road-trip is a road-trip and once completed it is by definition epic. Be it in the car with your parents sweaty palms locked between your thighs and the seat in prayer as you will yourself to avoid the birds & bees conversation Mom is trying to bring up; or maybe you jam out to great tunes with your partner, a new song for each city each state, that ride from the East Coast to the West gets a little more fraught with history.
The only sort of road-trip which will never be considered epic is the one which only happens in your head…
Friendly road trip tips for the beginner:
– When driving alone, if you are in the middle of no-where and a cop puts on his/her lights behind you, it is within your rights to phone into the local police station and request to a delay in your pull over until you reach an area of less isolation.
-Turning right on red is illegal in New York City, but not in New York State…So when people honk at you upstate, just turn right. It’s really okay.
-Wisconsin, Michigan and the Dakota’s are known as Speed Troll states. If you find yourself more than 5-7 miles over the speed limit at any time, rest assured you will soon find yourself with a nice ticket too!
intrepid trekking 